Not Enough

I know I'm way behind on my 30-day blog, but I feel like venting some feelings that I've had for awhile, but should be vented.

Note to anyone who's reading this...this is just OOOLD feelings, not stuff I've actually done.

It's always the same
Isn't it?
You just don't want me.
It's that simple.
I'm...not your type.

Am I pretty enough now
As you walk away
And leave me standing, wondering
Where I went wrong?
Am I dumb, quiet, foolish enough now
As you snap at me for something I didn't mean to say?

I see this girl
The one you like so much.
She told me what you've said to her
And I pretend I don't care.
Because see, it's not that I still care about you,
It's that...I'm hurt.
Your perception of the perfect, beautiful girl
Is just like every other guy I've ever liked.
She's small, well-shaped, blonde, soft blue eyes
Hair always right, consistently well-dressed
A little outspoken, yes, but goes along with your games
Without questioning you.
And then I look in the mirror
And I see myself.
Tall, much too tall
Dark, messy, unmanageable hair
Green-hazel eyes
Messy complexion
Not thin enough.
Outspoken to the max.
Unusual sense of humor.
And I think, "So this is it.
"This is beauty that I don't possess,
And never will."
It's depressing, and it's been coming for a long time.

Am I pretty enough now
As I sit here alone
With a blade in my hand
The words
FAT
UGLY
WORTHLESS
PRISS
Written on my arms
In my own filthy blood?
Am I worth your time and effort now
As I hide behind my shadow
A shadow of loneliness and fear
Covered by indifference and good cheer?

They don't like me, because I'm
Opinionated
Headstrong
Chatty
Tall
Not thin
Moody
Messy
Too caring,
And because I won't give in.
I refuse to be
Like other girls in my school,
My state,
My world.
I will not bow to the hormones of a borderline-personality teenage boy,
Or even a college man.
I will honor God in my decisions
Even if my sinful nature kills me for it.

Am I pretty enough now,
As I drive away
Kicking up dust in your face?
I don't care how pretty you think I am.
I don't CARE.
A part of me might.
But I don't need you
To define beautiful for me.
I think God is the only One who is allowed to do that.

Days 7, 8, & 9

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Turning their back on me in a critical moment when I needed them the most.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Secretly...I want to go to LLSOW. And...I wanna be a musician.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Marry someone I don't love.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Jesus.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Not going to name names...unfair to the people...but...A, A, K, J, K, P, S, C, K.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Again, no names, but...R, C, J, A, A, A.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Days 4, 5, & 6

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Turning their back on me in a critical moment when I needed them the most.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Secretly...I want to go to LLSOW. And...I wanna be a musician.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Marry someone I don't love.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 3

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 2

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 1...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Started school today. My first time driving to and from. Forgot to call my parents to let them know I was going home. Got scolded. Feel like absolute crap. It wrecked my day.

Back to school...

Socially, today wasn't as bad as I thought.

When it comes to the workload...I think I'll go crazy.

It's funny...when one thing gets better, something that was always good gets bad.

Gotta love it.

Even better that I don't fit in.

I'm not a junior, nor am I a senior. I'm just...there, and graduating. I'm a Christian, but I'm not preppy or athletic and I don't have a whole load of friends I can hang out with. I have a temporary crowd at lunch that leaves as soon as they finish eating, and I end up alone. It just really makes me wonder...do I even matter? I feel like I'm just existing in a school where I'm not entirely wanted. And for once, I'm not even sure I care. I've accepted that I'm not likable. Too chatty. Too nervous. Too whiny. Yadda yadda yadda. I think I'm destined to be alone.

And it doesn't even matter. It's not important. I'm just going to pretend it doesn't bother me. God has a plan behind this...I guess I'll just have to live with the pain for now.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's not like anyone reads this crap. I really am just a whiny, lonely 16-year-old.

Whatever.

Hate is a strong word...

I'm not supposed to hate. It's against what I believe.

But I hate this. Not you. What you do.

I hate that you're so cynical and pessimistic about everything because you think everything in YOUR life always goes wrong. Whenever I try to tell you to be positive and reevaluate, YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME. You never listen. You never tolerate my mood swings during certain times where IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ACCEPTABLE TO HAVE MOOD SWINGS. I hate that you smoke even though you swore you'd both stop, and I hate that you both still drink. I hate when you drink. You're not alcoholics, and sometimes you're fun when you drink, but when it makes one or both of you sick...I hate the day after when you're moody and grouchy. I hate that I'm afraid to trust you because you're so short-tempered that you might blow up at me if I tell you something. I hate that your negativity has rubbed off on me to the point where if I even screw up I want to cry and hurt myself because I feel like it's all I'm good for. I hate how you'll have open conversations with me about God, but you won't even try to change your behavior. You always say you will and you DON'T. I also can't stand how, again, you're cynical about your life, but when something bad happens to me or in my life you dismiss it as "everything happens for a reason". I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. That's a cheap comfort tool. Seriously? I just wish you'd be more loving and more positive. Because right now, I can't wait to graduate, and I can't wait to leave town. And when I leave, I can't promise I'll be coming back much at all. I know we're supposed to "honor our parents" but it's hard when you don't give me the chance without pointing out the faults.

Sorry. I just had to get that out of my system so I don't scream it.

I don't wanna come back here to this place.

I do suck at blogging after all. I guess because I've been busy and...honestly, don't care.

Well...upside to this month: I'll be 16 on Monday and will go in for my driving test, hopefully passing and getting my license. Downside: High school starts back up again. I was actually kind of looking forward to it, but...no. Now not at all. I'm dreading getting my schedule. Can I curl up under my sheets and come out after graduation, please? :P

I've decided I'll try to make myself blog at least once a month now, simply because it's a good hobby occasionally.

Eh.

Peace.

I've had enough of living life for only me

That's it!

For the last few months, I've been fed up with being treated like I don't exist, or like a child, by a select few people. I AM NOT A CHILD. I HAVE AN EXISTENCE.

Meanwhile, from now on, I don't care who my friends are and who they're not. You want in my life, good, come on in. You don't, fine! I don't really care! I don't have time to deal with people that are going to ignore me anyway!

God gets all the glory. He deserves it. I'm not going to spend my life chasing after people, craving their approval. I'm going to praise God for everything I have and don't have, and pray that He blesses those that curse me. I always talk about change and I don't do it, well, it's time I do. I've been reading a lot of Scriptures about quarreling amongst the church and the body of Christ, and I don't want to be a part of that anymore!

So there. I just vented, because my current stress level is at the breaking point. Peace to you all.

Didn't want you to see me cry.

I guess it's time to be honest, since no one reads this anyway.

These last two weeks, I have wanted nothing more than to fall apart. I feel like the people in the Old Testament who loved God but lost sight or deliberately pulled away. It's like I want to be miserable, because I want to relapse more than anything right now. I know I said I wouldn't whine. I'm kicking myself mentally right now. But I think I may as well just let it all out. This is a blog after all.

My classes got all messed up last week and I spent most of Monday morning (June 7th) fixing them. My Geology class isn't bad but can be overwhelming, as can my online History class. I guess that's all okay.

All I'm tired of is being lonely. I'm not living for God like I should and as an end result I'm here, wanting to hurt myself, being lonely, and hating everything. Complete overhaul needed.

It's Been Awhile

Not good at keeping up with a blog.

So, as of last week, school is over...at least, high school, for the time being. On Monday, my MCC classes begin, and I'll hardly have time to do anything because of the many, many books I'm supposed to read.

A month and something days until SKILLET! And two months and six days until my sixteenth birthday. Wow, time flies...

I'm just randomly updating for no reason.

Ha.

Back in Black

I'm so lame, haha...I don't actually listen to the song Back in Black...

Anyway, I love God so much right now. He's teaching me the value and meaning of grace, and of leaning on Him when I know I should, which is all the time.

He's also reminded me recently that I'm supposed to stay single like I committed. I was so tempted to break that commitment, until God showed me how big of a jerk that "best friend" really is. He claims he's a Christian yet he thinks that my idea of love (which follows the Corinthians verse) is a deliberate jab at him and basically says that everything he does is wrong. Which I was never trying to do. If he's not doing what is right according to the Bible, maybe HE should be the one checking his heart and his priorities. And by the way...he sought a reason to argue with me last night. So we're not friends. At all. As in, I refuse to even speak to him. He's on my prayer list just like everyone else, I'm just not associating myself with him anymore. And you know what? I'm happy! I really am! I feel free now. Like...I was being held by a big chain rope and now it's gone, and it feels amazing. Glory be to God in the highest!

Meanwhile...all my major Band events are over with. I'm actually really sad. Looking forward to summer Band so much though :) I'm gonna be a seeeeenior next year!

So...I'm hoping that Jennifer and I can go with Alan to get her senior pics done in a couple weeks. Whenever it does happen, Jenn and I want to get one of us together. We have three or four pics of us together, but no professionals. I love having her for the second sister I never had :)

UIL is this Friday, Emily is coming to stay on Saturday, and I'm going to Church Under the Bridge on Sunday...this is gonna be a fun weekend!

Peace be with you. Amen.

Come On, This Is Screaming "Photo Op"

Drumline is OVER. I'm actually very relieved. We had a good final show, but the judges hated everything about it and stuck us in last place. I can handle it, because I think it's time we stepped away from the shows that have plotlines. I think we should do a random one next year.

Anyway, somehow, even though I was winging it today on four hours of sleep (drumline didn't get home until 4AM), I advanced to Regionals in UIL Spelling. I'm excited, but nervous because now I have to spend the next month memorizing countless spelling words to try and beat the girl from Lovelady that beat out everyone. Haha...

I really need to get back into spending time with God. I do already, but I feel like it's not enough. It never is. Hmm...

I've realized over the last few months how much I love to encourage people. I love to remind them of their good qualities, because it makes them feel good...

I'm too tired to blog anymore LOL.

God is Indescribable

So tonight was awesome. For anyone who is just reading this like "Whaaaa?" I went to a mission trip benefit concert that my youth pastor's band played in, and...wow. Have I mentioned I have never seen so many people in Waco so fired up for God? I've also never had God bearing down on me basically urging me to be on my face. Well, I have, but I've never complied. WOW.

So I have to confess. I have what I call "Worship ADD". I start to really worship, and the enemy knocks my concentration completely out so that I'm struggling to focus on God. This has been going on for awhile now, and I think because of it, I've forgotten what God's presence is like. Actually, I'm starting to think that I've never really felt God's COMPLETE, ENTIRE presence before. As soon as we started to worship, I felt this weight and heaviness all over me, and it was part of what bore me down to the ground, and it pushed me over to people to pray with them, and I don't think I've ever sang out during worship before. I never felt the presence of the Spirit the way I did tonight, if I ever did at all. God was using the Spirit to work in all of us that were there. Brittni was praying out in tongues, and I don't think she was the only one. Everyone there was singing out or crying out during prayer and during the music, and most of us were on the floor. Brittni said she felt the same heaviness I did, and I bet we weren't the only two. If I didn't know what the Spirit was before, I do now.

They will remember we were here. Because we are going to go out into the world and tell them what our God has done and who He is and how beyond-words amazing He is. Jesus is the Kingdom and the only One who deserves glory. I can't remember what exact Psalm this was, but: "I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." My friends and I will remain in awe of God and on fire.

Amen.

Want to give You everything...

It's been a month since I've used this thing, and I think it's because I felt like I had nothing to write. Sheesh, how wrong was I...

Life has been interesting, to say in the least. I started my Psychology class, and despite some of the boring reading, I really do like it. We started official indoor drumline rehearsals too...we're doing AMAZING for it being so early on. Usually at this time of year we suck, but we have really gifted Band members this year, praise God! Jennifer is doing really well with the bass drummers, Courtney and Bethany have finished all of their music, Amanda is almost done, and I just have to clean up a few of my technical solos. The vibe players all have just a little work left, and the snares and Alexa are almost finished as well. Apparently the marching is going really well too :) To say I'm not excited this year would be a lie. I'm ecstatic for drumline, it's the best part of Band...because it's all the people who actually care :)

I am officially NOT going to England, and I'm actually extremely relieved. I thought I'd be so disappointed, but I'm happy, because all this trip was doing was putting stress on my back.

The whole "recovery" resolution has been really difficult lately. I've been forgetting how GOOD my God is. I've been going through the motions, and not growing at all. But you know, it isn't about me. Or whoever is reading this. Or anyone else. Nothing is about us. It's all about God. I've been caring too much what people think, but I should be more concerned with what He thinks of what I do and what I say. I need to shut my mouth and let Him do the talking...well, actually, open my mouth probably, but I shouldn't talk...I dunno, I hope you get what I'm saying, 'cause I just confused myself :P

So I started reading Genesis from the beginning of Noah's story (before the ark) about to when God created different languages last night. I love reading the Bible just to read it. It's fascinating.

Anyway...so we got the refund for England. Once Mom sorted out the sponsorship money that everyone had given me, she handed me back the $75 that I made, and so I counted it up with my Christmas money and any change I had (which Mom exchanged for $10, because she and Dad wanted all my non-eagle quarters, they collect them), and I have a grand total of around $150. I've never had so much money within reach in my life. I've contemplated keeping really good track of it until Mom starts my savings account...but there's this small part of me that's whispering "Give it to ministry." So I'm actually considering doing that. I can wait until I get a job to really start saving. And as for the Skillet concert I was going to get tickets for in the summer (okay, I admit, Six Flags), well, there will be other concerts. But missions and ministry need money right now. If not those things, then it needs to go to a cause. TWLOHA or Love146, or Invisible Children. Because God is working in them, and they need the money, even if it's just a small contribution like mine. So I'm going to pray about that.

If you have any prayer requests, text me.

God Bless.

You're Essential

This being happy and joyful thing is working amazingly well...I've been trying to give everything I have to God, and it just makes things so much easier to handle. I can't stay upset for very long.

Last night, I had...a revelation, I guess. I dunno what you call it. But...I'm almost sure that I KNOW my future has to do with music. And if it doesn't, God will let me know. Nothing is certain except Him. And I'm going to trust Him and give Him my all and work on loving people like my family...

The one thing I have trouble with is resisting being mean when people are making fun of my friends behind their backs. I want to take those people and shake them and remind them that no one is perfect, and everyone is good in their own way, and God loves everyone the same. But I know if I do that without praying first and preparing, I'm going to say something that God won't approve of. That's the one thing I need prayer for...being filled with the Spirit and being able to let Him use me as a puppet for His Will...