Not Enough

I know I'm way behind on my 30-day blog, but I feel like venting some feelings that I've had for awhile, but should be vented.

Note to anyone who's reading this...this is just OOOLD feelings, not stuff I've actually done.

It's always the same
Isn't it?
You just don't want me.
It's that simple.
I'm...not your type.

Am I pretty enough now
As you walk away
And leave me standing, wondering
Where I went wrong?
Am I dumb, quiet, foolish enough now
As you snap at me for something I didn't mean to say?

I see this girl
The one you like so much.
She told me what you've said to her
And I pretend I don't care.
Because see, it's not that I still care about you,
It's that...I'm hurt.
Your perception of the perfect, beautiful girl
Is just like every other guy I've ever liked.
She's small, well-shaped, blonde, soft blue eyes
Hair always right, consistently well-dressed
A little outspoken, yes, but goes along with your games
Without questioning you.
And then I look in the mirror
And I see myself.
Tall, much too tall
Dark, messy, unmanageable hair
Green-hazel eyes
Messy complexion
Not thin enough.
Outspoken to the max.
Unusual sense of humor.
And I think, "So this is it.
"This is beauty that I don't possess,
And never will."
It's depressing, and it's been coming for a long time.

Am I pretty enough now
As I sit here alone
With a blade in my hand
The words
FAT
UGLY
WORTHLESS
PRISS
Written on my arms
In my own filthy blood?
Am I worth your time and effort now
As I hide behind my shadow
A shadow of loneliness and fear
Covered by indifference and good cheer?

They don't like me, because I'm
Opinionated
Headstrong
Chatty
Tall
Not thin
Moody
Messy
Too caring,
And because I won't give in.
I refuse to be
Like other girls in my school,
My state,
My world.
I will not bow to the hormones of a borderline-personality teenage boy,
Or even a college man.
I will honor God in my decisions
Even if my sinful nature kills me for it.

Am I pretty enough now,
As I drive away
Kicking up dust in your face?
I don't care how pretty you think I am.
I don't CARE.
A part of me might.
But I don't need you
To define beautiful for me.
I think God is the only One who is allowed to do that.