Resolutions

1. Grow closer to and stronger in the Lord, and change my heart.

2. Be kinder and less sarcastic.

3. Love my enemies.

4. Go to as many Skillet shows as I can afford, especially when I can drive.

5. Ace all my classes except math, and try my darndest to ace that, too.

6. Be happy. Recover.

7. Finally lose all that weight I've been trying to lose for the last three years.

8. Learn guitar.

9. Learn drums.

10. See my Panhead boardies at least once.

I don't deserve You, but I need You to love me.

Forgiveness is painful. Especially when the person doesn't know they've hurt you, or they do but they just don't care if you forgive them or if you ever STOP hurting. But God says to forgive. So it must be done. So it's that I must do. And I think I will. My top New Year's Resolution that I'm going to cheat on and start now? Working to love and be nice to everyone. I can't be sarcastically rude forever. It's too hard. Not to mention I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I would rather they didn't hurt mine, which is why I'm usually kind of rude and pushy. It's a crap excuse, I know. And it needs to stop. God didn't want me to be this way, and I won't. No way. Not anymore. Even if it means I get hurt, I'm going to be calm and Christlike, because if I don't, I won't properly represent Him.

So the other night, I had a major flashback to my Kenosha dream from a few months back. At least I think so. I just had a sudden memory of the VIVIDNESS and feeling in the dream. Everything felt REAL. The sun, the air, the buildings, the church (even though it wasn't accurate). It was odd. And I had this warmth inside, this feeling I can't explain. Liz said it was love of some kind. I don't know what for. For Kenosha? For the idea of being there? For the church? For God? I don't know. I guess only God will show me if it is in His will.

Now I Know That I'm Alive.

I love Christmas. I love the real reason we celebrate. Brother John talked about EXPERIENCING Christmas instead of OBSERVING it in church today. It made me a little sad, because I know a lot of people just "observe" it, because a lot of people don't know the meaning of family or love or Christ.

A lot of funny things have happened lately. While yes, I have had my bouts of sadness here and there, I've mostly been overjoyed. I'm thankful for whatever comes this year, even if I don't get to see the people I want to see, or I don't get the presents I want, because it's not about that at all.

Anyway, caroling on Friday night was really fun, especially when Justin (worship leader) had just finished praying over an elderly couple and all of a sudden he just randomly looked in the yard and his eyes got all big and he just screamed "SNOW!" and took off. He stood over the batch of grass on which the "snow" sat for a few seconds before he was just like, "Oh, man, it's just ice!" and stomped off...he's loco...and then we played hide-and-seek in several acres of dark pasture at the Christmas party...ohh boy.

So, I've heard "Little Drummer Boy" a LOT lately...and I finally LISTENED to it, like, really LISTENED, and I find it really interesting. I can't explain my notion entirely, but my brain connected "using spiritual gifts to honor Jesus" with that song. And now I see why my mom loves it so much.

On to other things (yes, I'm being very random)...just a thought for tonight...why does the girl best friend always end up liking the guy best friend and the guy best friend usually has a girlfriend? Hollywood had SOMETHING right...speaking of Hollywood, I'm actually very in shock about Brittany Murphy. She was only 32. She hadn't been married long, she didn't have any children, and just like that, one heart attack killed her. They're saying it's either drugs or anorexia. And it just makes me think "I never want to be in L.A. or Hollywood." Being in the acting business is dangerous, because if you're not careful, the smallest thing can sweep you away from God and into the dark world of destruction. Actually, if that's the case, living is dangerous. I guess that's where "living on the edge" came from. No wonder so many Christians that truly believe are scared to take chances. But we have to, or there'll be even more cases like Brittany's...there already are cases just like that, every day, they're just never publicized.

God Bless us and protect us.

'Tis December, all right.

Wow, it's been like three weeks since I've blogged...I feel like I'm neglecting this baby.

Well. Things have been a bit monotonous. Admittedly, break was fun, especially babysitting and such.

Life has been an arrangement of school, drumline practice, Christmas music rehearsals, Mike-and-Ike's being shoved down Zach's shirt, the weather getting steadily colder, and being sick.

Today is blog-worthy. Mainly because we had an hour of snow flurries during school, which is a big deal to a school of 300 country kids, who all ran outside and were playing in it throughout lunch and study hall. Hannah and I danced in it for awhile and started singing snow songs, and then we went to the parking lot and were goofing off and yelling out Christmas carols with one of our YoungLife leaders and then Amanda and Fara. Then Amanda, Faran, and I were gathering enough off of cars to throw little snowballs at the guys (I smacked Darius square in the rear with one), stick some down Tyler's shirt (poor kid, he only had a T-shirt and a light jacket on, and he was freezing), and then we found a white car that had been left undisturbed and made a normal-sized snowball, which we bagged and placed in the Band freezer, after running it up to the office and showing our principal. Then it quit snowing and we were all really disappointed...LOL.

And now I'm wishing I could be in Wisconsin for the winter, or even New Mexico, and I'd take Hannah, Faran, Amanda, Darius, and Tyler with me so we could build snow forts...haha...and Darius could navigate since he used to live up there (WI)...what I think would be an awesome Christmas present would be to get to go to Kenosha and visit LLC and the SOW...but it won't happen haha, so I'll be content with what I have. God gave us all so much happiness when it snowed the little that it did today. I am so thankful. It was fun.

You Make Everything Glorious

I don't think today could have been better!

Worship band went great. Even less mistakes, and I got to sing a lot more because I didn't have to think as hard, and God got me through the music just fine after not having any light the first song.

Even going to school was good. School was kind of dull, as usual, but I'm actually now very excited to babysit Karis and Michael next week! When I went to Memaw's before I went to band practice, Emily was there, but she wasn't being a brat at all, she was being really funny and sweet and silly and eating her food like she's supposed to. And I was piggybacking her around the house and she squealed so loud when she saw herself in the mirror on my back. She always does.

Everything just feels like...I've had an awesome day, and church (especially worship and small group discussion) was good tonight, and everything has been fantastic. I don't even know what to write about, haha.

Bring me back to the place of forgiveness & grace

I haven't really cared much about blogging since last week.

Thursday and Friday were so boring. Saturday, we went grocery shopping, but I wanted to actually go DO something FUN, but everyone was busy so that plan was shot.

Sunday, it was my normal routine of getting up and getting ready for church. Church was pretty awesome...Paige went forward about baptism, which made my morning. When I came home, I felt kind of good, but was still bored because Cara and Liz were in Chicago, and Jennifer was at some kind of lunch thing, so I had no one to really talk to. I decided to see if there was a high-quality video of the live version of Awake & Alive on the Internet. When I found it, I liked what John said about rock'n'roll, so I posted it on Facebook and watched it a second time. The first time I hadn't paid much attention, but I fullscreened the video the second time. Let me put it this way. The live version blew me away and affected me strongly. I just felt this peaceful happiness, or at least my version of peaceful happiness (which means feeling at liberty to dance, sing out loud, and just spin around in circles and laugh like everything's perfect). And I started worshiping and praying and read my Bible for a bit and I just felt GOOD. I felt like I was good with God for the time being and He was okay with me, and I was just so content.

Of course, I, being human, had to ruin it by coming up with the idea that maybe I could go to the Skillet show in Dallas this Friday. Sunday night, I ended up being so disappointed because I couldn't find a ride. Oh, humanity. *headdesk*

I'm very certain that I won't be going, but I'm actually okay with that. God has His reasons.

Today wasn't great, because Hannah's getting sick, and everyone was boring, but I've had a very rhythmic feeling all day, if you could call it that. I made a drumset out of pillows on my couch and started making stuff up, since I can't buy Alexa's electric kit.

That's just my randomness rundown of the last few days.

Keyboarding

As of tonight, I am the keyboardist for a youth worship band.

I was so tempted after playing for the first time to go up to Alan and J.Love and be like, "I can't do this anymore, I'm horrible at it," but I didn't.

Here's the deal. They didn't give me music for ANY of the songs until two hours before youth, when I showed up at church to practice. They're giving me chords so that I can start improvising. Basically, I only really learned "How Can I Keep From Singing" well enough to play and even then I messed up because my hands were sweating and shaky and I was nervous. Not to mention we hadn't seriously run through the songs as a group together, so not only could I not hear myself because the amps faced the youth, but I couldn't figure out when J.Love switched chords and when I was supposed to change over. Basically, we didn't practice well enough, and according to Ryan, we're supposed to actually have a practice sometime soon, just to learn how to get it together.

The good thing about being in the back and not being AS needed as, say, the drummer, is that you can turn your instrument way down and no one will notice, and if you get scared and stop playing you can just put your hands up and worship. Which is basically what I spent most of the time doing.

Naturally, as soon as I got done playing and went to sit down, a voice in my head told me that I suck even though everyone was saying I'd done great.

I dunno. I'm just going to start working really hard on actually improvising with chords, and making them sound good.

This Is A Call

I'm thinking about canceling the keyboard thing on Alan. I'd really hate to disappoint him, but they'd be better of without me getting nervous and messing up.

Tonight...I'm going to whine...I feel like an idiot. Underappreciated. Like everything I do is wrong. And everything I say will be turned against me.

Then again, does any of it really matter? One of these days Jesus is supposed to come down and swoop those who have remained faithful up to heaven...but what if I'm not one of them? What if I've tried so hard along the road to make myself STOP pleasing myself and START pleasing God that I've forgotten to love Him regardless?

Tonight, I need someone here. I need a hug. Or someone to pray with me. Or something. Heck if I know.

"And I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm asking You to show me what this life is all about."

Today has been one of those days. Not a bad day. Oh no. I actually haven't been worried, upset, or bored. I've been fairly content all day. Just curious and a little disappointed.

I was unnaturally nervous on the way to church. I actually had the feeling I get sometimes at school, like I don't know anybody and everyone is just a bunch of strangers. Which is odd, considering church is supposed to be my other family. I asked God why I felt nervous, and if He could take that away, because I shouldn't have a reason to be nervous.

So I got to church, and my old Sunday School teacher came up and talked to me for a bit, and I walked into the sanctuary. Alan and Ryan were talking and Alan's back was to me so I walked up to him and started to pose in an "I'm going to eat you" pose to see if Ryan would laugh. Alan saw the shadow and turned around and was like, "Hey! I haven't seen you in awhile! Hey, I have to ask you something. About Wednesdays..." And I just KNEW what he was going to say. "...are you still interested in playing keyboards?"

Of course, I got really excited, but I contained it and told him sure, as long as he or Justin can get me the music at least a day in advance. I'm kind of shocked. We're going to start out small, with probably just one song at the end, chords only until I can start learning to improvise and see what sounds good, or until they get real sheets, but it's something.

And then, the strange part. I was really happy, and was going to come home and practice for the joy of it. I was going to work on my Christmas music and on Beautiful Ending. But I came home and no matter how much I warmed up and no matter how much I looked at the music, I couldn't get anything right.

Which is starting to make me wonder. Although I may just be paranoid.

Did Alan ask GOD if it's okay for me to do this? I know it's not a big deal under most circumstances, but it's big to ME. I've never played WITH anyone before. I've sang with accompaniment, but I've never played with accompaniment. That's daunting enough, not even including the stage fright.

I guess this is one of those things where I'm going to have to pray, and I'm going to have to make myself remember that it's for God. ONLY for God.

Sometimes

It can be pretty depressing once you realize that in a year's time you're going to be completely alone. All the friends you can tell everything to, either gone off to college or moved to another school.

I guess that will be God's true test. Putting me through my last year or two in school without people I can trust. I can deal with it, I have before, I just wish I was naive enough not to realize how much it's going to suck.

I think I'm just making up reasons to be sad though. Really? I have nothing to be sad ABOUT. I have a good life. It's just me and my dumb excuses again.

Anyway...Kyle needs to stop choosing me to talk to EVERY time he gets drunk. The end.

My Favorite Part Of Band :)

Drumline Season started today, with tryouts. I don't even have to try out. I'm probably TEACHING the tryout music. I already have my music, and I'm working on learning it. To top it off, Jeremy and I talked Jennifer into signing up for marching bass drum, so she'll be staying in Band, and she and I will get to be in Indoor together.

Sounds great, right?
Sure it does! And it is, if you exclude:
-Teaching the music
-Whiny people who only want to learn a certain amount at a time for a long time instead of getting it all learned and memorized quickly and then working on dynamics, time signature switches, tempo switches, and the like
-That very first full practice where we automatically suck because we've never played the song altogether before
-Actually trying on the costumes we pick out
-Loading and unloading the trailer at competitions
-That nervous butterfly feeling that comes with our first competition

Basically, if everyone in the mallet section could read music like everyone everywhere else can, and they could learn their OWN music, we would be fine. But c'est la vie. I think the one thing that makes me mad is even though it CAN be kind of not good, Mrs. Young swears up and down that she doesn't want to have "captains" for each section this year even though there is usually one person out of each group that does the teaching and most of the work. Then again, even if she did pick, I'd get stuck being so-called "co-captains" with a senior who can't read the music and only gets co-captain because of seniority.

I know God says to be patient and to not have wrathful feelings toward people. I know He doesn't like that I'm not fond of this certain senior because ever since she won Band Sweetheart (which she didn't deserve), she's been rude to me because I was upset that Jennifer didn't win. *shrug* I'm trying not to strongly dislike her, but I can't help it. Anyone who treats my friend like dirt and then does it to me because I support my friend, does not deserve my patience. Ah well. I'm learning.

This was just a drumline rant. Meh.

Here We Go Again

I named this blog after "Blackbird" by The Beatles. It's a simple song, but it has an odd, eerie beauty to the lyrics, and to me, it shows hope.

I'm deleting my old blog because it's too whiny even for me. I'm not promising that this one won't express my feelings or anything, but I'm not going to be obnoxious about them. This blog isn't going to be very different. I'm still going to write lyrics and suchwhich.


Readers, prepare for my bipolar-schizophrenic behavior.

I have no idea what to start with. So I'm just going to go. Ha.