I don't deserve You, but I need You to love me.

Forgiveness is painful. Especially when the person doesn't know they've hurt you, or they do but they just don't care if you forgive them or if you ever STOP hurting. But God says to forgive. So it must be done. So it's that I must do. And I think I will. My top New Year's Resolution that I'm going to cheat on and start now? Working to love and be nice to everyone. I can't be sarcastically rude forever. It's too hard. Not to mention I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I would rather they didn't hurt mine, which is why I'm usually kind of rude and pushy. It's a crap excuse, I know. And it needs to stop. God didn't want me to be this way, and I won't. No way. Not anymore. Even if it means I get hurt, I'm going to be calm and Christlike, because if I don't, I won't properly represent Him.

So the other night, I had a major flashback to my Kenosha dream from a few months back. At least I think so. I just had a sudden memory of the VIVIDNESS and feeling in the dream. Everything felt REAL. The sun, the air, the buildings, the church (even though it wasn't accurate). It was odd. And I had this warmth inside, this feeling I can't explain. Liz said it was love of some kind. I don't know what for. For Kenosha? For the idea of being there? For the church? For God? I don't know. I guess only God will show me if it is in His will.