Can We Start Again?

I've done it again.

I'm back to trying too hard to get close to people.

And it's ruining everything.

I'm going to make some confessions, since no one really reads this anymore.

I keep having ups and downs. Most of last week, I was excited to see what God had in store for me and wanted to be as close to Him as possible.

This week, I'm back to being numb, exhausted, lonely, tired. Not depressed, just all of those emotions. Bleak, blank, not sure what to feel, thinking too much.

I'm not even sure I want to go to college anymore. I really don't know what's going on. I'm doing terrible at getting scholarships applied for, and I haven't taken my credit-by-exam final that I'm supposed to take to graduate yet.

I'm not selfish enough to be stupid and end my life, because if I'm lucky I'll get through these next couple of months without having a breakdown.

I have this big hole in my heart where something is missing, and I know it's most likely the Spirit of God.

That's basically it.

It's Sunday, I'm Tired. Confession Time.

I've discovered my deepest fear, finally.

I'm afraid I won't be ready for Judgment, and I'm scared that when my turn comes, I'll fail it, and my faith won't be true enough, and I'll never make it to into God's Kingdom.

I know that in some cases, this is a stupid fear. But it's paralyzing me. Satan knows it's there. And he's using it to keep me from even moving. He's ensuring that I will fail my life as a follower of Christ.

I don't know what to do, just that I don't want to end up like that. I want to nip that fear right now.

My next biggest fear as of this moment? Not having enough college money and not making it to college. I have a scholarship that I'll find out about on Friday. I have no clue how much it's worth, just that I really need it. If I can get enough money to pay for my first year, I can just start saving NOW for my second, third, fourth years, graduate school, and whatever else. I need that money. I want to BELIEVE that God will provide.

This is a fear rant, yes.

My life right now is extremely uncertain for a high-school student. I don't know where I'm going to school in the fall, I don't know if I have the money, I haven't a clue where my life is going, and the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm consistently not doing what God wants from me. I should be on my knees praying my soul out to God, and I'm not, not as often as I should.

I want something to change. I want ME to change. I want to be completely filled with God, to be so captivated by Him that NOTHING keeps me from Him, not even my own selfishness.

I need a new beginning, where God can be All that is important.

"I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not all right."

I haven't blogged in nearly six months. Why? Well, I'll put it nicely and say I haven't cared much. And I've been busy. And tired. Graduating early is tough stuff. Worth it but tough. And honestly, I just haven't felt like expressing myself in awhile. I really don't tonight, I just kind of feel obligated.

What all's going on right now:

1. Indoor drumline - working with a bunch of kids my age and younger, none of whom respect me or want to do what I ask to be done. Yep. Great year. I LOVE being the captain of a group that doesn't like me */sarcasm*
2. College and scholarships - I've been accepted into North Texas and am awaiting Baylor, and meanwhile haven't filled out more than three scholarship applications, because I simply have been so busy and exhausted and depressed and worried that I haven't gotten much done.
3. Online class - stressful, busy, hopefully over soon.
4. School - ridiculous, surrounded by kids who don't give a flip about their education or about me, who openly text in class and back-talk the teachers and don't get in trouble because they're popular. Gotta love my school.
5. Church stuff - the fun stuff. Getting to go to Bible studies and mentorship meetings and volunteer time and youth group. This is the stuff I could do the rest of my life. No sarcasm at all. I'd rather spend six months in church than nine months in school.
6. Various other things - my grandma moved in with us, my aunt and uncle had their second daughter, my favorite guitar player of all time is quitting my favorite band, I'm in a constant spiritual battle with the devil, I'm doing a solo for band, I'm in UIL Spelling & Vocab, etc, etc.

Busy busy busy. Where, you ask, does God fit in? Wherever He wants. He's God. He can do that, and I'm trying to let Him.
6.

Not Enough

I know I'm way behind on my 30-day blog, but I feel like venting some feelings that I've had for awhile, but should be vented.

Note to anyone who's reading this...this is just OOOLD feelings, not stuff I've actually done.

It's always the same
Isn't it?
You just don't want me.
It's that simple.
I'm...not your type.

Am I pretty enough now
As you walk away
And leave me standing, wondering
Where I went wrong?
Am I dumb, quiet, foolish enough now
As you snap at me for something I didn't mean to say?

I see this girl
The one you like so much.
She told me what you've said to her
And I pretend I don't care.
Because see, it's not that I still care about you,
It's that...I'm hurt.
Your perception of the perfect, beautiful girl
Is just like every other guy I've ever liked.
She's small, well-shaped, blonde, soft blue eyes
Hair always right, consistently well-dressed
A little outspoken, yes, but goes along with your games
Without questioning you.
And then I look in the mirror
And I see myself.
Tall, much too tall
Dark, messy, unmanageable hair
Green-hazel eyes
Messy complexion
Not thin enough.
Outspoken to the max.
Unusual sense of humor.
And I think, "So this is it.
"This is beauty that I don't possess,
And never will."
It's depressing, and it's been coming for a long time.

Am I pretty enough now
As I sit here alone
With a blade in my hand
The words
FAT
UGLY
WORTHLESS
PRISS
Written on my arms
In my own filthy blood?
Am I worth your time and effort now
As I hide behind my shadow
A shadow of loneliness and fear
Covered by indifference and good cheer?

They don't like me, because I'm
Opinionated
Headstrong
Chatty
Tall
Not thin
Moody
Messy
Too caring,
And because I won't give in.
I refuse to be
Like other girls in my school,
My state,
My world.
I will not bow to the hormones of a borderline-personality teenage boy,
Or even a college man.
I will honor God in my decisions
Even if my sinful nature kills me for it.

Am I pretty enough now,
As I drive away
Kicking up dust in your face?
I don't care how pretty you think I am.
I don't CARE.
A part of me might.
But I don't need you
To define beautiful for me.
I think God is the only One who is allowed to do that.

Days 7, 8, & 9

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Turning their back on me in a critical moment when I needed them the most.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Secretly...I want to go to LLSOW. And...I wanna be a musician.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Marry someone I don't love.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Jesus.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Not going to name names...unfair to the people...but...A, A, K, J, K, P, S, C, K.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Again, no names, but...R, C, J, A, A, A.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Days 4, 5, & 6

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Turning their back on me in a critical moment when I needed them the most.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Secretly...I want to go to LLSOW. And...I wanna be a musician.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Marry someone I don't love.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 3

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.