Can We Start Again?

I've done it again.

I'm back to trying too hard to get close to people.

And it's ruining everything.

I'm going to make some confessions, since no one really reads this anymore.

I keep having ups and downs. Most of last week, I was excited to see what God had in store for me and wanted to be as close to Him as possible.

This week, I'm back to being numb, exhausted, lonely, tired. Not depressed, just all of those emotions. Bleak, blank, not sure what to feel, thinking too much.

I'm not even sure I want to go to college anymore. I really don't know what's going on. I'm doing terrible at getting scholarships applied for, and I haven't taken my credit-by-exam final that I'm supposed to take to graduate yet.

I'm not selfish enough to be stupid and end my life, because if I'm lucky I'll get through these next couple of months without having a breakdown.

I have this big hole in my heart where something is missing, and I know it's most likely the Spirit of God.

That's basically it.

It's Sunday, I'm Tired. Confession Time.

I've discovered my deepest fear, finally.

I'm afraid I won't be ready for Judgment, and I'm scared that when my turn comes, I'll fail it, and my faith won't be true enough, and I'll never make it to into God's Kingdom.

I know that in some cases, this is a stupid fear. But it's paralyzing me. Satan knows it's there. And he's using it to keep me from even moving. He's ensuring that I will fail my life as a follower of Christ.

I don't know what to do, just that I don't want to end up like that. I want to nip that fear right now.

My next biggest fear as of this moment? Not having enough college money and not making it to college. I have a scholarship that I'll find out about on Friday. I have no clue how much it's worth, just that I really need it. If I can get enough money to pay for my first year, I can just start saving NOW for my second, third, fourth years, graduate school, and whatever else. I need that money. I want to BELIEVE that God will provide.

This is a fear rant, yes.

My life right now is extremely uncertain for a high-school student. I don't know where I'm going to school in the fall, I don't know if I have the money, I haven't a clue where my life is going, and the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm consistently not doing what God wants from me. I should be on my knees praying my soul out to God, and I'm not, not as often as I should.

I want something to change. I want ME to change. I want to be completely filled with God, to be so captivated by Him that NOTHING keeps me from Him, not even my own selfishness.

I need a new beginning, where God can be All that is important.

"I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not all right."

I haven't blogged in nearly six months. Why? Well, I'll put it nicely and say I haven't cared much. And I've been busy. And tired. Graduating early is tough stuff. Worth it but tough. And honestly, I just haven't felt like expressing myself in awhile. I really don't tonight, I just kind of feel obligated.

What all's going on right now:

1. Indoor drumline - working with a bunch of kids my age and younger, none of whom respect me or want to do what I ask to be done. Yep. Great year. I LOVE being the captain of a group that doesn't like me */sarcasm*
2. College and scholarships - I've been accepted into North Texas and am awaiting Baylor, and meanwhile haven't filled out more than three scholarship applications, because I simply have been so busy and exhausted and depressed and worried that I haven't gotten much done.
3. Online class - stressful, busy, hopefully over soon.
4. School - ridiculous, surrounded by kids who don't give a flip about their education or about me, who openly text in class and back-talk the teachers and don't get in trouble because they're popular. Gotta love my school.
5. Church stuff - the fun stuff. Getting to go to Bible studies and mentorship meetings and volunteer time and youth group. This is the stuff I could do the rest of my life. No sarcasm at all. I'd rather spend six months in church than nine months in school.
6. Various other things - my grandma moved in with us, my aunt and uncle had their second daughter, my favorite guitar player of all time is quitting my favorite band, I'm in a constant spiritual battle with the devil, I'm doing a solo for band, I'm in UIL Spelling & Vocab, etc, etc.

Busy busy busy. Where, you ask, does God fit in? Wherever He wants. He's God. He can do that, and I'm trying to let Him.
6.