Not Enough

I know I'm way behind on my 30-day blog, but I feel like venting some feelings that I've had for awhile, but should be vented.

Note to anyone who's reading this...this is just OOOLD feelings, not stuff I've actually done.

It's always the same
Isn't it?
You just don't want me.
It's that simple.
I'm...not your type.

Am I pretty enough now
As you walk away
And leave me standing, wondering
Where I went wrong?
Am I dumb, quiet, foolish enough now
As you snap at me for something I didn't mean to say?

I see this girl
The one you like so much.
She told me what you've said to her
And I pretend I don't care.
Because see, it's not that I still care about you,
It's that...I'm hurt.
Your perception of the perfect, beautiful girl
Is just like every other guy I've ever liked.
She's small, well-shaped, blonde, soft blue eyes
Hair always right, consistently well-dressed
A little outspoken, yes, but goes along with your games
Without questioning you.
And then I look in the mirror
And I see myself.
Tall, much too tall
Dark, messy, unmanageable hair
Green-hazel eyes
Messy complexion
Not thin enough.
Outspoken to the max.
Unusual sense of humor.
And I think, "So this is it.
"This is beauty that I don't possess,
And never will."
It's depressing, and it's been coming for a long time.

Am I pretty enough now
As I sit here alone
With a blade in my hand
The words
FAT
UGLY
WORTHLESS
PRISS
Written on my arms
In my own filthy blood?
Am I worth your time and effort now
As I hide behind my shadow
A shadow of loneliness and fear
Covered by indifference and good cheer?

They don't like me, because I'm
Opinionated
Headstrong
Chatty
Tall
Not thin
Moody
Messy
Too caring,
And because I won't give in.
I refuse to be
Like other girls in my school,
My state,
My world.
I will not bow to the hormones of a borderline-personality teenage boy,
Or even a college man.
I will honor God in my decisions
Even if my sinful nature kills me for it.

Am I pretty enough now,
As I drive away
Kicking up dust in your face?
I don't care how pretty you think I am.
I don't CARE.
A part of me might.
But I don't need you
To define beautiful for me.
I think God is the only One who is allowed to do that.

Days 7, 8, & 9

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Turning their back on me in a critical moment when I needed them the most.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Secretly...I want to go to LLSOW. And...I wanna be a musician.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Marry someone I don't love.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Jesus.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Not going to name names...unfair to the people...but...A, A, K, J, K, P, S, C, K.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Again, no names, but...R, C, J, A, A, A.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Days 4, 5, & 6

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Turning their back on me in a critical moment when I needed them the most.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Secretly...I want to go to LLSOW. And...I wanna be a musician.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Marry someone I don't love.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 3

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Everything I've done that wronged other people or God.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 2

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

I really don't know if I have anything about myself that I love. I hate looking in the mirror or thinking about myself as a person. I feel sick even mentioning it.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 1...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Why does there have to be a question I could answer in a list?

Here goes:

My body. My height. My feet. My personality. My mood swings. The fact that I'm always late, and never know how to keep my mouth shut. The fact that I never let myself stay close to God.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.