Started school today. My first time driving to and from. Forgot to call my parents to let them know I was going home. Got scolded. Feel like absolute crap. It wrecked my day.

Back to school...

Socially, today wasn't as bad as I thought.

When it comes to the workload...I think I'll go crazy.

It's funny...when one thing gets better, something that was always good gets bad.

Gotta love it.

Even better that I don't fit in.

I'm not a junior, nor am I a senior. I'm just...there, and graduating. I'm a Christian, but I'm not preppy or athletic and I don't have a whole load of friends I can hang out with. I have a temporary crowd at lunch that leaves as soon as they finish eating, and I end up alone. It just really makes me wonder...do I even matter? I feel like I'm just existing in a school where I'm not entirely wanted. And for once, I'm not even sure I care. I've accepted that I'm not likable. Too chatty. Too nervous. Too whiny. Yadda yadda yadda. I think I'm destined to be alone.

And it doesn't even matter. It's not important. I'm just going to pretend it doesn't bother me. God has a plan behind this...I guess I'll just have to live with the pain for now.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's not like anyone reads this crap. I really am just a whiny, lonely 16-year-old.

Whatever.

Hate is a strong word...

I'm not supposed to hate. It's against what I believe.

But I hate this. Not you. What you do.

I hate that you're so cynical and pessimistic about everything because you think everything in YOUR life always goes wrong. Whenever I try to tell you to be positive and reevaluate, YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME. You never listen. You never tolerate my mood swings during certain times where IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ACCEPTABLE TO HAVE MOOD SWINGS. I hate that you smoke even though you swore you'd both stop, and I hate that you both still drink. I hate when you drink. You're not alcoholics, and sometimes you're fun when you drink, but when it makes one or both of you sick...I hate the day after when you're moody and grouchy. I hate that I'm afraid to trust you because you're so short-tempered that you might blow up at me if I tell you something. I hate that your negativity has rubbed off on me to the point where if I even screw up I want to cry and hurt myself because I feel like it's all I'm good for. I hate how you'll have open conversations with me about God, but you won't even try to change your behavior. You always say you will and you DON'T. I also can't stand how, again, you're cynical about your life, but when something bad happens to me or in my life you dismiss it as "everything happens for a reason". I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. That's a cheap comfort tool. Seriously? I just wish you'd be more loving and more positive. Because right now, I can't wait to graduate, and I can't wait to leave town. And when I leave, I can't promise I'll be coming back much at all. I know we're supposed to "honor our parents" but it's hard when you don't give me the chance without pointing out the faults.

Sorry. I just had to get that out of my system so I don't scream it.

I don't wanna come back here to this place.

I do suck at blogging after all. I guess because I've been busy and...honestly, don't care.

Well...upside to this month: I'll be 16 on Monday and will go in for my driving test, hopefully passing and getting my license. Downside: High school starts back up again. I was actually kind of looking forward to it, but...no. Now not at all. I'm dreading getting my schedule. Can I curl up under my sheets and come out after graduation, please? :P

I've decided I'll try to make myself blog at least once a month now, simply because it's a good hobby occasionally.

Eh.

Peace.